Symptoms
Fault
Remedy

S:Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste. Shirt front is wet.
F:Mouth not open when drinking. Glass applied to wrong part of face.
R:Buy another pint and practise in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pint as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

S:Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste. Beer unusually pale and clear.
F:Glass is empty.
R:Find someone who will buy you another pint.

S:Room is spinning.
F:Somebody is spinning your barstool.
R:Vomit on person doing the spinning.

S:Feet cold and wet.
F:Glass being held at incorrect angle.
R:Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

S:Feet warm and wet.
F:Loss of self-control.
R:Go and stand beside the nearest dog. After a while, complain to its owner about its lack of housing training.

S:Lap cool and wet.
F:Drooling on yourself.
R:Change position so you're drooling on someone else.

S:Bar blurred.
F:You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
R:Find someone who will buy you another pint.

S:Bar moving.
F:You're being carried out.
R:Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

S:Bar looks like a circus.
F:You're at a circus.
R:Go to a bar.

S:The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
F:You have fallen over backwards.
R:If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

S:Everything has gone dark and you have a mouth full of teeth and fag-ends.
F:You have fallen over forward.
R:Same as falling over backward.

S:Everything has gone dim.
F:The pub is closing.
R:PANIC!

S:You have woken up to find you bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
F:You've spent the night in the gutter.
R:Find out if it's opening time yet. If not treat yourself to a lie-in